Hate U, Love U (Short Story by Me)

I want to hate you…
But seeing you so happy next to another person is exhausting now…

***

            Aku berjalan perlahan. Sesekali menundukkan kepalaku. Kejadian waktu itu sudah cukup membuatku terluka. Sakit, mungkin itu yang paling tepat untuk kuucapkan saat itu.
“Are you okay?” Misa, sahabatku, bertanya padaku.
“Do I look like not okay now?” Aku balik bertanya, masih dalam ekspresi yang sama, hampa.
“Of course. You can see how all your friends watching you, and ask me 'Is she okay? Erika doesn’t like the usual.’”

“Tell them I'm fine, nothing to worry about me.” Aku bersikeras.
“Erika, please. Stop saying you're fine when everyone already knows you're not okay! I can understand your feelings, but this is not the time you're quiet like this. You got hurt, remember? This is no way to hide the wound.” Misa mencoba untuk mengingatkanku.”
“I hate him, Misa. You will not understand in my position today. You can’t imagine what it feels like the person you love, loves someone else.”

***

Not knowing anything…
The day I had to send you off…
Something that should’ve been done a long time ago…
Having no feelings about it…

***

            Kalau aku tahu pada akhirnya akan jadi begini, seharusnya aku tidak pernah menyukai pemuda itu. Seharusnya aku lakukan itu sejak dulu, sebelum semuanya menjadi seperti ini.
            Aku mengambil pensil, mencoret-coret sesuatu diatas buku catatanku.
The more I love, the more I have to let you go out of my life.
I know it feels sad, these feelings, you hurt my feelings.
Don’t know since when I tried to stand, in fact, my tears never stop flowing.
I just want you to understand all this sacrifice.
How I tried to save amid chatter of my friends.
How much I try not to listen to them over the years.
I always tell them: 'I'm fine.'
You probably didn’t know how hard I’m now.
I never would think about the risks of this magnitude.
You know what I'm waiting for?
You think I have at this time for what?
Do you think so far I've come to whom?
This is for you.

***

I tried to erase you…
But it wasn’t something I could have…
Please, stay by my side…

***

“Why are you crying?” Misa melihatku meneteskan airmata di sela-sela jeda istirahat.
“No. I'm just sleepy.” Aku menjawab sekenanya. Menghindari tatapan mata Misa yang tajam.
“Don’t lie to me. Your eyes are swollen. Definitely a night you're crying right? Please Erika, you're not that stupid.” Ujar Misa cepat.
Geez, my eyes are swollen? Oh no, she would know why. – Aku berteriak dalam hatinya.
“You still can’t forget? Come on, forget him. You've still got me.” Misa tahu apa yang ada dipikiranku.

***

Nothing has changed, I’m by myself…
I trusted that another love would come along, but now, it’s hard to even breathe…
And become a bigger problem like this…
My loneliness for you, little by little…

***

            Aku masih aku yang dulu. Aku tidak berubah. Aku hanya mencoba menjadi lebih kuat sekarang.
“The girl was beautiful. They are suitable.”
“How could he know how you feel while you never show it to him?”
“Never mind, forget it.”
            Mereka semua selalu berkata seperti itu. Apakah segampang itu aku datang padanya dan katakan kalau selama ini aku menyukainya? Apakah mereka pikir aku senekad itu? Menatap matanya saja aku sudah tidak bisa, apalagi bicara seperti itu kepadanya.
            Ini masalah besar. Aku bahkan tidak pernah tahu akan jadi seperti ini.

***

I want to hate you…
But your back form of having forgotten me…
I’m tired to protecting you too, now…

***

            Yang aku lihat sekarang, kau malah semakin jauh. Aku makin jarang bisa bertemu kamu. Tapi itu lebih baik lagi sekarang daripada aku harus bertemu denganmu dan pura-pura tersenyum seperti yang biasa aku lakukan dahulu.
“How are you feeling now? Still thinking about him again?” Suatu hari Misa bertanya padaku.
“No. I think even now I'm go away, he'll never know if he lost me.” Aku mencoba memperlihatkan senyumku.
            Jujur, aku lelah sekarang. Aku lelah mengatakan bahwa aku baik-baik saja. Aku lelah berusaha menahan airmataku. Aku lelah harus selalu memaksakan senyumku.

***

Day by day, I didn’t like living so weakly..
I try to change the way I’m right now…
But I can’t…

***

            Hari-hariku lelah. Mereka selalu berkata padaku; “Erika, dimana senyummu yang dulu?”, “Kau tidak seceria yang dulu.”, dan “Kau bukan Erika yang kukenal dulu.”
           Tolong aku. Jangan pikir aku mau terus-terusan seperti ini. Aku ingin secepatnya bangkit dari situasi gila ini.

***

I tried to let you go without regret…
Trusting I’d be able to stand it, but the love that’s still left just gets deeper…
This weary loneliness can’t bear it day to day anymore…
Slowly you become despicable…
I’m sorry to hate you :’(